New Orleans... Haiti... and now Japan... These places ring out with grim recognition of their recent natural disasters and the grueling aftermath. In the case of Katrina, local residents and rescue workers had ample time to prepare for the impending emergency but were overwhelmed when the scope of the disaster became apparent. In Haiti and Japan, rescue and recovery efforts will continue to stretch into the months, if not years.

In the United States, we rely on the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA to educate us, to provide guidelines for emergency preparation and, in many case, to rescue us when things get out of hand.

And so FEMA seemed to us to be a logical starting point for researching the best rescue and survival gear for review and potential recommendation to our readers.

Unfortunately we found that, while there's tons of great information on FEMA's website, they still skip a few very important concepts. FEMA's emergency tool kit, for example, includes a map and compass but makes no mention of an axe. This despite the fact that many New Orleans residents, seasoned with the experience of previous hurricanes, used an axe to save their own lives — cutting themselves free from their attics as Katrina's flood waters rose through the ceiling beneath them. Many others, who didn't keep that basic tool handy, drowned in their homes.

FEMA also recommends that we stock enough emergency provisions to last for three days — after which, presumably, help should arrive. So what are we to do when the three days have passed and the provisions are gone? FEMA's mum on that topic.

We don't buy into that logic. Instead, we've decided to create recommendations for surviving disasters — earthquakes, large storms, power outages and long-term disasters — that allow readers to wield an axe, to build a fire, or to cut through fallen debris in an effort to survive. And without sitting idly by waiting for the cavalry to march in.

Read more about where we found fault with FEMA's emergency advice

Below you'll find links to survival tips for each type of disaster that we've addressed. Accompanying each set of survival recommendations is a checklist of gear necessary for assembling a complete, long-term emergency kit.

But at OnlyKnives, we know the truth. We pored over old fables and legends, historical documents and newspaper accounts to find some of the best stories of real sword battles.

Finally, we put it all together into this — the most realistic version of what really happens when enemies meet with raised blades.

Enjoy the list. But don't expect to see that guy on the right. That's Mordred, who famously battled King Arthur. Except that it never really happened.

Some women, however, have broken the Blade Barrier. These are women who fight with blades, entertain with them, throw, swallow and chop wood with them. These are girls who play in the boys' yard, compete with them and win.

With that in mind, I present here twenty of the most spectacular Girls Who Play with Knives – in no particular order, and in all their glory.

Our first blade-happy babe is Baroness Mischa. This little slip of a girl starts her act by running a wide, flat blade across her tongue and then slowly inserting all three feet – THREE FEET – of it down her throat.

With the blade in her, she then leans over in a stiff, exaggerated bow. She licks the blade, she runs it across her face, she caresses it, and after she pulls it out of her body she gently cups her lips over the sharp tip in a coy pucker. The blade is her lover, and she mesmerizes with it.

Move over, Paul Bunyan. Make room for this beautiful blonde girl. Yes, she has abs you can slice cheese on, and shoulders that look like she power-lifts Volkswagens on her lunch hour, but she is not exceptionally big or rough-looking. And she's a lumberjack.

Shana Martin is a competitive lead in the Lumberjack World Championships, where rolling logs, chopping wood and climbing trees are what it's all about. Shana is a veteran of several extreme sports and is a fitness model.

Shana began rolling logs at age 7 in her hometown of Madison, Wisconsin. She is former gymnast, a pole vaulter, and holds a black belt in Karate. But Lumberjack sports are her favorite.

I bet when Shana goes out into the backcountry, she carries one of those Bark River Knives with her. You can read more about Shana here.

Babes with Blades is a theatre production, a show that revolves entirely around beautiful muscular women in a wide variety of costumes, dancing, leaping, and fighting with swords and other weapons. It is a cornucopia of sexual and animal energy.

The women are stunning, their costumes historically correct and the weapons real. They are both talented and frightening at the same time. Babes with Blades is based in Chicago and bills themselves as a "diverse ensemble of artists working together to expand opportunities for women in the world of stage combat. We celebrate the historical role of the woman warrior and her modern evolution."

Here's hoping they come to a stage near me, soon. And that the Tony Awards soon includes an award for "Best Actress in a Leading Role With a Knife".

You can see more of the babes here.

One of Britain's most iconic historical figures is Queen Boudica. Boudica was the wife of a "king" (actually an elected chief) of a region in Britain during the years of Roman rule. When the king died, he left his half of his land to Rome and half to his wife and two daughters.

Some legends hold that Boudica had druidic training. Her hair, in most accounts, was fiery red. When Rome decided they wanted all of Boudica's land, she resisted. To teach her a lesson, the Romans whipped Boudica and raped her daughters. The result was a decade of gruesome warfare with Boudica's army slaughtering nearly 70,000 people, both Romans and Roman sympathizers.

Boudica and her soldiers fought primarily with long swords. It was the difference between blades that ended Boudica's bloody rule, as the Romans eventually overcame her army with short swords, javelins, and organized fighting tactics.

Boudica ended her own life with poison. She was deeply mourned and indeed later Queen Victoria considered herself a reincarnation of Boudica.

Move over, David Carradine – make room for Ng Mui, Shaolin Master.

Not only was Ng a master of the Shaolin martial arts, she also mastered Wudang, Wing Chun Kuen, Dragon Style, White Crane, Five-Pattern Hung Kuen and Yuejiaquan martial arts. This woman was someone to be reckoned with!

According to historical records, after the Shaolin temple was destroyed by Qing forces, Ng fled to the White Crane temple where she meet a 15-year-old girl who was trying to escape being forced into marriage. Ng taught this girl a unique distilled method of martial arts that blended several elements and could be learned quickly and applied expediently.

Ng Mui was a pioneer – a woman who invented the martial arts training method of balancing on upturned logs (something we can only see these days in movies starring Jackie Chan).

Ng's story is fascinating and worth studying. Michelle Yeoh made a movie called "Wing Chun" in which her character's teacher was based on Ng Mui.

Many professions are male-dominated, but it may surprise you to learn that knife-throwing is one of the most male-dominated professions in the world. This skill is almost exclusively practiced by men.

Caroline Haerdi has broken that mold. She is one of the only female knife-throwers in the world. Caroline is a tall, statuesque Swiss with shiny blonde hair. She often wears ankle-length evening gowns and poses holding handfuls of long, gleaming blades.

In the past she performed with The Risk Ladies, alongside target girl Claude Chantal Blanc. These days, Caroline Haerdi currently has her own show, called Steel and Fire, and she works in partnership with a male thrower named Arno Black. In her show, Caroline is the thrower and Arno the target.

For more on Caroline, see her website.

It would be negligent to write an article about women who play with knives and not mention Joan of Arc.

Of course a great deal has been written about Joan. However a common misconception is that she did not actually engage in any fighting. In fact she did — she was active in several battles.

Joan was hit in the neck with an enemy arrow and even took a blow to the helmet by a cannon ball while climbing a flaming ladder, leading her troops on an assault. She was armed and all portraits of her show her with a long sword. Joan was no figurehead — she was a warrior.

Next we take a look at Rumiko Hayes, one of the Kunoichi. The word Kunoichi is represented in kanji for "woman" and for "nine and one". It is the word for a female ninja.

Ninja are broken into Shinobi, male ninja, and Kunoichi, female ninja. Kunoichi begin their training at a young age. Traditionally, the head Kunoichi would travel around the country finding orphaned girls, then raise them in the ways of the ninja.

The weapons of a Kunoichi are many, and they include beauty, mystique, disguises, the use of poisons, hair pins that are actually needles, knives hidden in a kimono sleeve, and a Kunoichi favorite, the neko-te, also known as the Cat Hand. The Cat Hand was an a set of iron claws, often dipped into poison, attached to leather straps that can then secure the claw to the Kunoichi's hand.

Rumiko Hayes, one of the most well-known modern-day Kunoichi, holds a black belt in ninjutsu and is the wife of famous martial artists Stephan Hayes.

Mochizuki Chiyome is perhaps the most famous Kunoichi of all. She created an all-female Ninja gang in the 16th century.

Mochizuki was the wife of a Samurai warlord who was killed in battle. After her husband died she was left in the care of the Daimyo Takeda Shingen. The Daimyo (Territorial Overlord) tasked Mochizuki with recruiting women and creating an underground network of Kunoichi to be used as subversive agents to move forward the Daimyo's agenda.

Mochizuki accepted the challenge, setting up her operation in the village of Nazu. She began by recruiting orphans, prostitutes and other marginalized women in the area. She earned a reputation for being a charitable woman who took in misfortunates, but in reality she was creating a small army of killing machines.

Hey Hollywood, are you getting all this?

Not all women who play with swords are killers or even warriors. Laura Flessel-Colovic is the number one all-time Olympic winner of épée fencing.

Laura is a French woman, a wife and a mother. She was on Time's list of 100 Olympic Athletes to Watch in 2008. At thirty-six years old, Laura has an aggressive fencing style that has earned her the nick-name "Wasp". A native of Guadeloupe, Laura has won twelve World Championship medals.

Grace O'Malley, who had the Irish name Granuaile, was the Pirate Queen of Connacht in Ireland, and was also a well-known and feared sword-fighter.

Grace's pirating ways started on her father's ship. Her father, a Clan Chieftan, not only allowed her to sail with his crew, but he let her wear her hair short and help on deck. On one voyage from Spain, returning to Ireland, the ship was attacked by an English vessel.

Grace's father ordered her below deck, but she defied him and saved his life by leaping onto the back of her father's attacker. It is said that Grace "invented" the back-leap-attack, but surely that particular technique predates her.

Still, she was a feared swords-woman and legends of her exploits abound.

Now here's a lady I would want on my side in a bar fight.

Edessa Ramos is a Filipino Martial Artist, a student and master of Modern Arnis, a form of martial arts that emphasizes the use of blades.

Edessa is a little dark-haired woman with large expressive eyes. She holds a third degree black belt in Modern Arnis and a second degree black belt in Combat Arnis.

The blades that she poses with are about a foot long, wide and flat blades. They look almost as scary as Edessa herself.

The Great Cindini is another modern-day blade-lovin' lady. Born Cynthia Morrison, she performs in her own sideshow "Lethal Injection" at festivals and on-stage.

Cynthia was mentored by knife-throwing legend The Great Throwdini (these folks could seriously spend more time coming up with stage names).

Cynthia was an extra in the movie "Body Heat" from 1981 and has been in other films as well. In 2009 she was featured as the Knife Thrower in the independent film "The Big Top".

A blonde beauty who likes to dress in pink, Cynthia not only throws knives with the best of them, but she's a stunt artist who breaks out of jails, performs underwater stunts and has landed on "Ripley's Believe It or Not."

You can read more about The Great Cindini here.

Who can think about women with blades without thinking about Amazons? Yes, Wonder Woman recently had a make-over, but her Amazon character still lacks what an Amazon would have certainly carried – a sword.

Amazons were a nation of all-female warriors featured throughout Greek mythology. However, they have a basis in true history. Arguments persist over whether they originated in Asia Minor, Libya, the Steppes or Ukraine. It is unlikely that they lived on an invisible island. Sorry, Wonder Woman.

Roman history records various accounts of Amazon raids in Asia Minor. According to myth and what history has been uncovered, no men were permitted to live in Amazon country, but Amazons would make an effort once or twice annually to mate with men from other areas or men who were taken as slaves.

If the result of that union was a baby girl, she would be raised to hunt and wage war. If the result was a baby boy, he would be given away or left to die in the wilderness. The weapons of the Amazon were bow, spear, and axe. They are almost always portrayed wearing only one earring.

Penthesilea, one of the most celebrated Amazon Queens, fought alongside the Trojans in the Trojan war. She prevailed in that one but eventually was slain by Achilles.

When I think of juggling, I think of balls – maybe oranges and the occasional bowling pin. But knives? That seems unnecessarily dangerous. After all, isn't juggling hard enough with adding a sharp blade to the mix?

Meet Lisa Lou, who not only juggles knives, she juggles enormous knives while balancing on a loose rope suspended in the air.

Are Lisa's knives sharp? Does it matter? They're big, flying through the air and then coming down right toward her head. Somehow Lisa always manages to catch them, which is a good thing.

Of course, women jugglers have juggled knives for years. Luminary performers include Lottie Brunn, Trixie LaRue and Selma Braatz. But Lisa gets bonus points for throwing her knives as well. Wait a minute, is that a Fallkniven A1 I see her juggling? Nah, probably not.

You can find Lisa, and even hire her, here.

Not all girls who play with knives are legendary or famous. In this video, a young Chinese chef does not even know she's being taped until she turns to see the camera and bursts out laughing, her cheeks slightly blushed by her embarrassment.

For nearly a full minute she twirls razor-sharp kitchen knives, first one, then the other, then both at the same time, while listening to music on her headphones. She seems almost to fall into a meditative state, entranced by her thoughts and by the spinning silver of the knives.

Not many people know, or perhaps not many wonder, that there are no female Green Berets. It's true. However, there has been one – only one – woman who became a Green Beret, although she was never allowed to serve actively as one.

Captain Kathleen Wilder is the United State's only female Green Beret. Capt Wilder attended and completed Green Beret School in 1981. Among other things, Green Beret school teaches the use of blades of various kinds for defense as well as assault.

GI Jane

Capt Wilder was an intelligence officer assigned to a Special Forces Group in North Carolina. She wanted to become a Green Beret and because there were no specific regulations prohibiting women, she enrolled and attended the course. Unfortunately, she had to sue in court in order to get her certificate of completion.

After the Capt Wilder suit, regulations were put in place to keep women out of the Green Beret program.

We flash back to the past now, with a look at Artemisia, Queen of Halicarnassus in 480BC. Artemisia was an ally of the Persian king Xerxes during his invasion of Greece.

By all accounts Artemisia was a brave warrior who not only launched five ships against Greece from her home state, but also fought in combat and was lauded for "fighting like a man".

She was also an astute strategist who knew when enough was enough and she later advised Xerxes to leave Greece and return to Asia.

Artemisia's weapons included short blade, spears, a variety of axes and knives, and always a shield.

In the realm of Slightly Weird, we have Amira Mor, a belly dancer who teaches other young women the perfect balance required in the traditional movements of belly dance.

How does she teach this? By balancing razor-sharp scimitars on the girls' heads. If they drop the sword, not only are they chastised by Amira, the task master, but they risk a nasty cut or worse.

Amira's videos are compelling in their graceful, beautiful bizarreness. Her pledge is "I am not happy until you feel fabulous!"

She also sells scimitars. Go figure.

Check out Amira's site here.

Playing with an épée or a paring knife might seem somewhat genteel, but most women who wield blades are in no way genteel. Anne Bonny, for example, was one of history's most famous female pirates.

Born the illegitimate daughter of a lawyer and his household maid, Anne had a rough start and life just got rougher. Anne was a fighter from the get-go. At the age of fourteen, she was rumored to have killed another young woman. The same year she beat to near-death a young man who tried to sexually assault her.

At the age of sixteen, she fell in love with a no-good sea captain named James Bonny. She and James moved to Nassau, a veritable pirate's den, where Anne grew tired of her husband and took up with a wealthy man who, for the first time in her life, showed her a taste of fine living.

When that romance soured, Anne disguised herself as a man and took to the seas. She had a reputation as a vicious fighter, skilled with a cutlass. Anne was legendary for fighting with her men until the fight was over. "Over" as in dead.

As Kung Fu movies became popular in the late 70s and on there have been some amazing sword fight scenes in movies.

Here are some awesome videos that I would consider to be among the top 10 videos of epic sword fights in movies over the years. Enjoy, and don’t try this at home, or you may just lose an eye.

But then I realized that I was way too lazy for that. Instead, I decided to focus on helping other people pen their own Kung Fu Masterpieces.

With that in mind, I created the Kung Fu Movie Script Generator you'll see below. In less than five minutes, you'll be reading two fully-written scenes of your next Kung Fu blockbuster.

Just add a battle scene and maybe a slow-moving Chinese mammal or two and you'll be ready to start shooting.

Enjoy the Kung Fu Movie Script Generator, and let me know how it turns out. You can send royalty checks to OnlyKnives.com.

Though it's hard to believe that The Simpsons has been on the air for nearly twenty years, my devotion to the show has not waned. I've been a fan for all of those years, following the ups and downs of this simple yellow family and their community.

And yet, there was one character that always seemed a bit underrated to me. One man who could change the tone of an entire episode with a wink, a nod, and a witty retort.

That man, of course, is Sideshow Bob. Voiced by the peerless Kelsey Grammer, Bob shows up periodically to torment Bart, frequently comes awfully close to destroying the show's very foundation, and then disappears for another year or two until his next visit. Quite an accomplishment, I'd say.

This, then, is my tribute to Mr. Bob. If I'm to continue following this show for the next twenty years, I'm going to demand a healthy dose of him. In exchange, each time a Sideshow Bob episode airs, I'll agree to cook up one of these Spicy Salmon Salads and share it with friends.

Revenge, after all, is best served family style.

Recipe for a Killer Salad

Jicama -- aka the "Mexican Turnip" -- is your best bet for beginning food sculpture. It's easy to carve, stays moist and is huge -- giving you lots of room to make mistakes. Also, if you screw up and want to re-attach an appendage or two, you can just stick a toothpick in it to hold two pieces together. You'll need two jicamas for this project -- one for the hair and one for the head.

As far as tools go, nothing fancy is needed. I used a Kershaw Leek knife for most of the carving and an old Swiss Army knife for the details. Then I used one of my fancy Shun Knives for serving him (you can see that picture later).

You'll also need toothpicks to attach the eyes and a paintbrush for applying the food coloring. I used McCormick's food coloring since that's what they had at my local grocery store. I'm sure any type would do just fine.

Crafting the Creature

The hardest part of making Bob is keeping the hair from falling apart. Once the jicama gets spindly, pieces of it start to break off. The good news is that large chunks can be reattached with toothpicks. Just make sure you take them out before serving!

Step one is to peel the jicama. Once you've done that, you can start shaping the tufts of hair. Progressively refine them until you're happy with the basic shape. You may want to make a few extra in case they fall off. Also, though you can always do some fine-tuning later, it's best to get the majority of the carving done before you apply the dye.

Once you've carved the hair, apply the food coloring liberally with a paintbrush. You'll want to leave it ample time to dry since, otherwise, the red coloring will run down onto the face. I let mine dry overnight.

Once you've got the hair done, you're in great shape. The face is fairly generic, with the only tricky part being the eyes. I used an un-dyed jicama ball, attached to the eye socket with a toothpick. A peppercorn in the center completes the look. Simply push the peppercorn into the eyeball before attaching to the face.

The Perfect Snack... For Revenge!

I followed this recipe for a Santa Fe Salmon Salad, simply omitting the Jicama and replacing it with my sculpture. Warning: it's pretty spicy. I thought that would be appropriate for this type of project.

Die, Bob, Die!

You'll need to invite intrepid guests to this party. I suggest you leave a few sharp knives lying around and then stand back to watch the fun begin. Of course, Bob wouldn't be caught dead with a knife as small as a paring knife. Bring out a large Chef's knife for the occasion.

Below you'll see the final product -- a single serving of Sideshow Bob Spicy Salmon Salad. Give him some time to soak up the jalapeno dressing and you'll forget all about his creepy look and garish colors.

Mmmmm... Delicious! Bart and Lisa would be so proud.

More Info

Want to know more about Bob? The Wikipedia, of course, has a comprehensive entry about him. Want to see another fun food carving? This is actually the second in a series of wacky sculptures. Check out the first one -- a Jar Jar Binks food carving from a few months ago.

Have I inspired you to create your own Simpsons-themed food sculpture? If so, drop me a line so we can compare notes. Or leave a comment below and let me know what you think.

Is it just me, or have the cooking shows gotten a bit sexier lately? Maybe I've been living under a rock, but when I start to see celebrity chefs posing half-naked on the cover of Men's magazines, I know something must be up.

With that in mind, I've compiled a list of the hottest women celebrity chefs. The women are ranked based on two factors: looks and their cooking skills. But mostly just on looks.

Enjoy the list! And if you don't like my rankings? Leave a comment below. Or make your own list and be sure to let me know.

The DIY Wallet Pocket Knife

Welcome to the world of a devoted Minimalist Urbanite Survivalist Technologist Yuppie (MUSTY). And what the heck is a MUSTY?

Well, let's just say that I've spent the better part of a decade in search of the ultimate light-weight urban survival man-purse.

I've spent most of that time searching for an off-the-shelf product that would hold my cards, cash, keys and set of personalized mini-tools. Finally, I decided it did not exist. Inspired by other MUSTYs — see this guy and this guy — I began to design and construct my ultimate Pocket Knife Wallet.

It turned out to be quite easy, inexpensive, and the result was very satisfying.

The Goal

Create a slim and light-weight wallet that would hold everything I needed to carry on an everyday basis — my keys, credit cards and cash, as well as seven essential pocket-knife tools, the latter being a clear compromise when compared to my weightier carry.

The Process

The project ended up breaking down into three phases: design, production, and sawing off my keys to make them fit in the wallet.

The first part took some time — I originally designed the wallet with a horizontal orientation and extra pockets for credit cards. But this proved problematic on two counts — the knife was too long to fit, and the extra pockets added too much bulk. Round Two was much more successful. I put together some templates on paper, assembled and tweaked them until it was just right, and then cut the leather in shapes to match. You can download my templates here if you want to use them.

I didn't have much experience sewing leather but, lucky for me, I had a close relative who did (thanks Mom!). Once the three smaller leather pieces were in place, we clipped them together using document clips and used a sewing machine with leather needle and heavy-duty thread to sew the tool pockets.

Once the back piece was attached, the wallet was too thick for the machine. That was fine with me, though, since I wanted a hand-stitched look around the outside. I used a leather punch to make small holes for the stitching, and sewed it up. Piece of cake! See this link for a primer on sewing leather.

Sawing my keys down turned out to be pretty easy as well. The trick was to saw off enough so that they would be slim and light-weight, but not so much as to make them unusable. I experimented a bit, ruined a key or two, and eventually decided that if the head of the key was at least 0.6" square, it'd work fine.

I mounted the keys in my vise, and used my hacksaw to slice away. The metal in my keys turned out to be pretty soft — it took just two or three minutes to shave off each one. You'll probably want to file the edges when done sawing — you won't want the sharp edges to catch on the wallet or cut your fingers.

The Result

The wallet/pocket-knife has eight narrow pockets for keys and tools, and one main pocket for cards and cash. In the tool pockets, I carry three keys, a knife, a USB drive, a file/screwdriver, a scissors, toothpick, pen and tweezers. In the large pocket, I carry three credit cards, a drivers license, medical insurance card, and some cash. No coins, obviously!

Specifications, Cost, Time

The wallet weighs just 3.5 ounces when fully loaded. It measures 4" long, 3" wide, and about 0.65" deep. I can easily fit my cellphone in the same pocket without feeling weighed down. Or, I can put the phone in my other front pocket for that barely-there experience.

Once I had the final design down, it didn't take long to make the wallet at all. Maybe about two hours for the assembly and another half hour for the keys.

The cost is quite variable, depending on what you've already got. I needed to purchase the leather, heavy-duty thread, and a leather sewing machine needle. Couple that with making copies of my keys and the total cost was about $20. If you need to buy a SwissCard or some other multi-tool from which to get your mini-tools, figure on another $20. My USB stick is from Kingmax — they make the slimmest USB drives around. It runs about $10 for a 2GB version. If you need a hacksaw and/or a file, those can be had for $5 each or so.

Final Thoughts

It's not exactly James Bond-esque, I know, but it works great for my needs. Maybe in the next revision, I'll throw in a rocket launcher or something.

Do let me know if you try to make it, I'd love to know how it turned out. And if you make any improvements to it, tell me that too. I'm sure I'll be tempted to make another revision at some point.

A Quantum of Mini-Tools

OnlyKnives is proud to honor President John McCain — a true American hero — by announcing a unique new multi-tool known as The Maverick.

We're very proud of the Maverick and we think President McCain will be too. John McCain has taken strong stances on some of the most important issues of our time. We hope this knife can help our leader and his fellow Republican supporters as they strive to tackle these issues.

Every world leader wishes he had a tool in his toolbox that could assist him in wrestling with thorny issues that come across his desk. As a proud owner of the OnlyKnives Maverick, President McCain will be lucky enough to possess just such a tool. He will need to trade in his more traditional pocket knife upon entering office, but he can pick that up on his way out in 2012.

Pocket Knife Features

The Maverick is unlike any other pocket knife made previously. Its eight tools have never been available on a multi-tool before and may never be available again. Here's an in-depth look at each tool on this amazing knife:

Electric Drill

John McCain is a strong supporter of offshore drilling, drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, and drilling just about anywhere he sniffs a drop of crude black gold. With the Maverick's pocket-sized drill, John won't have to ask Congress' permission or worry about any tree-huggers finding out. He can pretty much drill whenever and wherever he wants. Finding oil, of course, is not guaranteed. Neither is preserving the environment. But if John wants to drill, the man can now drill.

Clothes Hanger

What's this, a bold statement about the state of abortion rights once President McCain overturns Roe v. Wade?! An inflammatory icon meant to incite pro-lifers and pro-choicers alike?! A murderous weapon whose sole purpose is to strike down the unborn?! Actually, none of the above. It's the economy, stupid. And, since the fundamentals of the economy are, in fact, quite strong, a little bolstering here are there is all that's needed. This hanger is the perfect mini-scaffold to be applied in an emergency to prop up the occasional failing bank, investment brokerage, or Medicare program.

Geiger Counter

Senator McCain has been a vocal proponent for nuclear energy. No doubt he'll face some resistance on this front, but the best way to appease environmentalist alarmists is to make safety a top priority. Making radiation detectors affordable and ubiquitous is a great first step in accomplishing that goal. Mr. McCain and his followers can lead the way by proudly carrying and using their new pocket-sized Geiger counters.

Pry Bar

Once John has taken office, he'll no doubt want to separate himself from President Bush's legacy as quickly as possible. And what better way to do that than with this new Maverick Pocket Pry Bar? The pry bar can be used to pull down old photographs from the Oval Office walls, to remove all of the "W" keys from White House keyboards, or to fend off George, Laura and the kids when they come back to claim some souvenir towels.

Butane Lighter

Mr. McCain has stated that he's uncomfortable with today's most prevalent communication tool -- email. Given that John is going to be traveling to many places that lack Internet connectivity, this seems like a smart bet. Using his Maverick mini-butane lighter to send smoke signals, President McCain can now rely on one of the most time-proven methods of communication. As a special bonus, when pending conservative legislation needs an extra push on Capitol Hill, this butane lighter can also be used to light a fire under the seats of stubborn Democrats.

Abacus

John's not really a numbers guy. He's stated that he doesn't know much about economics and has had trouble in the past remembering exactly how many houses he owns. He's also stated that an annual salary of five million dollars should define the cutoff between the middle class and the upper class, when he probably meant something closer to four. As president, Mr. McCain will need to address all of these issues as well as to perform other simple math calculations, often without access to a calculator or a trusty aide. The Maverick's abacus is the perfect tool to help John out in just such a pinch.

Defibrillator

Once John ascends to the White House, he'll need to keep himself in top-notch physical shape. But just in case his advancing years should catch up with him before his re-election campaign gets underway, President McCain will never again be without access to emergency medical care. The pocket defibrillator is an attractive add-on option to the Maverick. It comes pre-charged for one emergency resuscitation and can be easily operated by the knife's owner or by a nearby trustworthy Vice President.

Lipstick

This one's a special reminder of President McCain's successful 2008 presidential campaign. As a frequenter of many small-town carnivals, State Fairs and the like, President McCain will no doubt find many opportunities to "put lipstick on a pig." The Maverick lipstick tool comes in an attractive shade of Republican Red and includes three replacement cartridges for those times when multiple swine are encountered simultaneously. While we're not big proponents of lending a pocket knife to a friend or co-worker, this tool can also be used by Vice President Sarah Palin. Palin is, of course, a self-proclaimed lipstick-wearing pit bull who will be traveling frequently with President McCain and may find her makeup in need of a quick touch up.

Availability

The Maverick will be available in limited quantities on November 5th, 2008. Availability is subject to election results, voting machine tampering, and the current status of NAFTA. The Maverick comes with a four-year warranty, though the defibrillator is not guaranteed to prevent the ascendancy of a neophyte governor who can see Russia from her bathroom window.

Purchasers must be card-carrying members of the Republican Party. Democrats will need to sign up for a four-year wait list to purchase the Barack Obama Presidential Pocket Knife.