OnlyKnives is proud to honor President John McCain — a true American hero — by announcing a unique new multi-tool known as The Maverick.
We’re very proud of the Maverick and we think President McCain will be too. John McCain has taken strong stances on some of the most important issues of our time. We hope this knife can help our leader and his fellow Republican supporters as they strive to tackle these issues.
Every world leader wishes he had a tool in his toolbox that could assist him in wrestling with thorny issues that come across his desk. As a proud owner of the OnlyKnives Maverick, President McCain will be lucky enough to possess just such a tool. He will need to trade in his more traditional pocket knife upon entering office, but he can pick that up on his way out in 2012.
Pocket Knife Features
The Maverick is unlike any other pocket knife made previously. Its eight tools have never been available on a multi-tool before and may never be available again. Here’s an in-depth look at each tool on this amazing knife:
|John McCain is a strong supporter of offshore drilling, drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, and drilling just about anywhere he sniffs a drop of crude black gold.
With the Maverick’s pocket-sized drill, John won’t have to ask Congress’ permission or worry about any tree-huggers finding out. He can pretty much drill whenever and wherever he wants. Finding oil, of course, is not guaranteed. Neither is preserving the environment. But if John wants to drill, the man can now drill.
|What’s this, a bold statement about the state of abortion rights once President McCain overturns Roe v. Wade?! An inflammatory icon meant to incite pro-lifers and pro-choicers alike?! A murderous weapon whose sole purpose is to strike down the unborn?!
Actually, none of the above.
It’s the economy, stupid. And, since the fundamentals of the economy are, in fact, quite strong, a little bolstering here are there is all that’s needed. This hanger is the perfect mini-scaffold to be applied in an emergency to prop up the occasional failing bank, investment brokerage, or Medicare program.
|Senator McCain has been a vocal proponent for nuclear energy. No doubt he’ll face some resistance on this front, but the best way to appease environmentalist alarmists is to make safety a top priority.
Making radiation detectors affordable and ubiquitous is a great first step in accomplishing that goal. Mr. McCain and his followers can lead the way by proudly carrying and using their new pocket-sized Geiger counters.
|Once John has taken office, he’ll no doubt want to separate himself from President Bush’s legacy as quickly as possible. And what better way to do that than with this new Maverick Pocket Pry Bar?
The pry bar can be used to pull down old photographs from the Oval Office walls, to remove all of the “W” keys from White House keyboards, or to fend off George, Laura and the kids when they come back to claim some souvenir towels.
|Mr. McCain has stated that he’s uncomfortable with today’s most prevalent communication tool — email. Given that John is going to be traveling to many places that lack Internet connectivity, this seems like a smart bet.
Using his Maverick mini-butane lighter to send smoke signals, President McCain can now rely on one of the most time-proven methods of communication.
As a special bonus, when pending conservative legislation needs an extra push on Capitol Hill, this butane lighter can also be used to light a fire under the seats of stubborn Democrats.
|John’s not really a numbers guy. He’s stated that he doesn’t know much about economics and has had trouble in the past remembering exactly how many houses he owns.
He’s also stated that an annual salary of five million dollars should define the cutoff between the middle class and the upper class, when he probably meant something closer to four.
As president, Mr. McCain will need to address all of these issues as well as to perform other simple math calculations, often without access to a calculator or a trusty aide. The Maverick’s abacus is the perfect tool to help John out in just such a pinch.
|Once John ascends to the White House, he’ll need to keep himself in top-notch physical shape. But just in case his advancing years should catch up with him before his re-election campaign gets underway, President McCain will never again be without access to emergency medical care.
The pocket defibrillator is an attractive add-on option to the Maverick. It comes pre-charged for one emergency resuscitation and can be easily operated by the knife’s owner or by a nearby trustworthy Vice President.
|This one’s a special reminder of President McCain’s successful 2008 presidential campaign.
As a frequenter of many small-town carnivals, State Fairs and the like, President McCain will no doubt find many opportunities to “put lipstick on a pig.” The Maverick lipstick tool comes in an attractive shade of Republican Red and includes three replacement cartridges for those times when multiple swine are encountered simultaneously.
While we’re not big proponents of lending a pocket knife to a friend or co-worker, this tool can also be used by Vice President Sarah Palin. Palin is, of course, a self-proclaimed lipstick-wearing pit bull who will be traveling frequently with President McCain and may find her makeup in need of a quick touch up.
The Maverick will be available in limited quantities on November 5th, 2008. Availability is subject to election results, voting machine tampering, and the current status of NAFTA. The Maverick comes with a four-year warranty, though the defibrillator is not guaranteed to prevent the ascendancy of a neophyte governor who can see Russia from her bathroom window.
Purchasers must be card-carrying members of the Republican Party. Democrats will need to sign up for a four-year wait list to purchase the Barack Obama Presidential Pocket Knife.