OnlyKnives is proud to honor President Barack Obama — an inspirational visionary — by announcing a unique new multi-tool known as The Change.
At OnlyKnives, we’re very excited about The Change and we think President Obama will be thrilled to take delivery of his knife. Barack Obama has helped the American People to believe in his vision of change and hope. We can only strive to provide a fraction of that inspiration with this exceptional knife.
Pocket Knife Features
The Change’s seven tools are uniquely designed to tackle the tricky issues that Barack Obama will face during his term in office. These tools will change the way President Obama gets his job done, as any good pocket knife should. Here’s an up-close look at each tool on this incredible knife:
Celebrity Love Meter
|President Obama’ has been touted as one of the world’s biggest celebrities, being “famous for being famous”, and rivaling Paris Hilton in his notoriety.
No doubt he’s going to need to keep a close watch on his celebrity status while in the White House.
The Change’s Celebrity Meter uses modern wireless Internet technology to detect and display Obama’s Q Score in near real-time.
When the meter’s Democrat Blue water is boiling rapidly, it’s a sure indication that Barack could host his own reality TV show. Still waters indicate that it’s time for a photo-op with Ms. Hilton.
|President Obama will no doubt encounter political divisions wherever he goes. But none may be bigger than the ones within his own party.
After defeating Hillary Clinton in a contentious battle for the Democratic nomination, Mr. Obama snubbed her for the second-in-command spot and has made no effort to reach out to former big-wig hubby Bill for strategic assistance.
Offended Clinton-ites make up a great portion of President Obama’s fractured party, and he’d do himself proud by attempting to repair some of those divisions.
The Change’s tube of super glue is perfect for quick-fix applications that would normally take years to mend. That and a cabinet position or two ought to get the job done.
|No doubt President Obama is a gifted public speaker. Now if he could just get those around him to keep their mouths shut, he’d be much better off.
If it’s not VP Joe Biden plagiarizing British Labour Party Leaders’ campaign speeches or calling Obama “inexperienced”, it’s lunatic pastor Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. firing off racially charged outbursts.
The Change’s genuine leather muzzle can be applied on a moment’s notice to any trouble-making sidekick and will silence the offending party until the press corps is out of earshot.
|Like many Ivory Tower Democrats, President Obama has been known to change his tune on an issue or two.
In January of this year, Obama denounced Hillary Clinton’s union endorsements, accusing of her of bowing to “special interests”. He decided it wasn’t so bad, though, a few months later when he received his own union endorsements and contributions. Smells like waffles to me!
The Change’s stainless steel spatula ought to help President Obama when it comes time for waffling or flip-flopping in the White House.
|President Obama’s never met a dividing line he didn’t respect. His biggest success in working together with Republicans to enact legislation? Issuing a new postage stamp to honor Rosa Parks.
However, a man can change his spots, especially as President. And Barack promises to do just that. But if he’s going to do so, he’d better carry a big stick to keep his opponents in line. Or, better yet, an elephant prod.
The Change’s prod packs a one-time charge of just enough voltage to scare the bejeesus out of any dissident Red-State right-wingers, yet not quite enough to get Barack into any real trouble.
|Once President Obama auctions off cap-and-trade credits to big polluters, the government will have a majority in both Houses and be awash in cash. Can you say “Tax and Spend”?
If President Obama is going to be toting around that kind of bling, he’s going to need somewhere to stash it.
The Change’s oversized money clip is the perfect place. Designed to hold profits from real-estate deals with shady campaign contributors like Tony Rezko, this money clip will no doubt get a lot of action in President Obama’s pocket.
|Once the pesky Republican right-to-lifers have been silenced, hippie liberal President Obama will no doubt want to usher in an era of sex education in schools, readily-available abortions, and free love for all.
Being a Harvard man, though, Obama is no dummy. He’ll want us all to be smart, be safe, and wrap that willie.
And with the Change’s single-use condom case in his pocket at all times, President Obama will be ready to lend a helping hand to those in need.
Who knows, maybe we’ll even see more of Bill Clinton around the White House? If that’s the case, we’ll need to release a “Change II” with extra capacity.
The Change will be available for purchase on Election Night, 2008. Availability is subject to electoral vote counts, access to cheap labor from countries with severe human-rights violations, and whether or not Americans still run Wall Street. The Change comes with a 100-day warranty — after that we expect it to end up just like every other tool in the White House.
Buyers must show proof of membership in the Democratic Party. Republicans will need to go into hiding for four years and then emerge to purchase the John McCain Presidential Pocket Knife.